Unicorn Machine
by Draqonelle
Summary: When Chichi finds out that Gohan (Age 9) wants to marry Mr. Piccolo, very little ACTUALLY changes about the Future of the DBZ universe… but these people have issues. Has themes of homophobia for the left, homosexual relationships for the right, and adorable depictions of puppy love with your first babysitter for cynics


Unicorn Machine  
When Chichi finds out that Gohan wants to marry Mr. Piccolo, very little ACTUALLY changes about the Future of the DBZ universe… but man, do these people have issues.

Dende drinks Koolaid, Gohan plays the tuba, Yamcha tries not to trample on the hearts of women everywhere, Vegeta won't use a microwave. But Mostly How to Marry an Alien that everyone fears.

It was almost bedtime and Goku and his son were coloring pictures on the ground. Chichi decided to get a head start on the tax returns. A great mind like Gohan's needed a contemplative respite from his arduous studies and drawing was an intellectual past time. Even she could see that and would let him stretch his brain, as long as it wasn't video games or Spongebob Squarepants or other such drivel. She would give him a half an hour before his Calculus lessons.  
Goku just didn't get it. He drew strange looking creatures.  
"How fast do you have to do it?" He asked  
"As fast as you want?" Gohan shrugged. "Depending on your technique."  
"We are done when…" Goku always was a bit transparent when he didn't enjoy something. At least to her, but Gohan recognized the signs too.  
"When it looks right, but It is only a frog so it shouldn't take forever to-"  
"That is supposed to be your mom," Goku said, "The red is her lipstick."  
"Maybe if you give her eyeballs pupils..."

Goku wasn't a contemplative sort. His respites involved sleeping on the couch when they ran out of snacks. She almost missed the days when he would train every day, and not every other day. She might whinge about it before, but one should follow their bliss. Even when they said the Androids were coming Goku would only train every other day and do a quick two hour warm up at night while Gohan was practicing the Tuba. (Music wasn't his forte but he was so enthusiastic.)  
With Androids about to take over the world maybe, Goku should be training. But maybe this precious time was a gift to her and Gohan, it was his way of making up to her the times they lost. Doing things, he never liked, like bird watching, or astronomy star gazing… or what Goku called Nerding it Up, which was an insult. Gohan rolled his eyes.

"Yours looks cool," Goku said  
"It is Mr. Piccolo." Gohan smiled.  
"Yeah. He's green who else would it be." Goku said ". Is that you next to him? With the turban?"  
"Yeah. It is our magic cave," Gohan said with another eye roll. She would tell Gohan to be polite to his father, but that was so hard. Sometimes it was physically impossible for a human being not to roll his eyes Goku.  
She looked at the picture, he was drawing "So Piccolo has a cave in the desert?"  
"This isn't… this is the cave he outfits with everything you could ever desire." Gohan was actually sounding a little snippy to her. "Because he can make matter out of thin air if he remains in a state of meditation. Over the years, his powers will no doubt sharpen into a higher state of being."  
"A magic cave?" Goku said, "He lives in the Lookout with Kami and Dende."  
"He can do magic. Once made me a gi. It is in the closet. It is one of my favorites." He nodded and returned to his drawing. "He also made me a training uniform  
"That was a pretty weird ability. I didn't know Namekians were magic" Goku said  
Chichi didn't like where this conversation was going. She didn't like Mr. Piccolo. She wondered why, even with his father home, Gohan would still be obsessed with the man. Why wouldn't Gohan ignore the creepy and previously psychopathic killer the second his true father came home? She could understand Goku befriending Piccolo; her husband was good-hearted but perhaps not bright. Goku made sure the Demon King didn't return to his evil ways. He was a primary reason for Piccolo's continued reform, but Gohan was more intelligent than his father. (Soon he would be more intelligent than any of them.) He should see through that and at least try to avoid Piccolo. But Gohan was a more devoted than ever. He always had some anecdote about Piccolo.

"When we fall in love, I will marry Mr. Piccolo one day," Gohan said  
"That's nice," Goku said, "I am going to draw just the house."  
"What did you say?" Chichi put down her tax forms.  
"I'm going to marry Mr. Picolo." Gohan looked up at her straight in the eyes.  
"Uh, what? Did I hear you right?" Chichi said.  
"He said that he is going to marry Mr. Piccolo," Goku said. "He told you a few times. You should listen to him."  
"You don't possibly mean that," Chichi said  
"No, I will. Everyone has to get married." Gohan said. "I'm going to marry him. It is obvious."  
"You are just confused, Gohan. You got everything all mixed up. You can't marry Piccolo. You know that, right?"  
"I'm not confused. I've been planning it for a long time now. I just didn't know how to bring it up to you guys until now."  
He took out a bunch of hidden drawings "We'll move into a giant cave where I will support the household with my scientific grants and invention patents. I will unlock the fundamental quantum particles and retro-engineer a means of instant transmission that is accessible to the populace and possibly attain a Doctorate in Biochemistry so that I can unlock the science of the genetic potential of Saiyan DNA. While I am working, he'll stay at home to meditate and train. Pushing his body and mind to higher and higher levels of advancement. And make sure that the Cave doesn't get smelly. I don't want to do that. And laundry is boring."

"Yeah you'll need help with the laundry," Goku said, "I think you'd be an awesome scientist." He said, "They are the best kinda nerds. Too bad there are bad guys in the world. You'd have so much extra time for science."  
He took out one of his drawings. "That is why I am wearing the goggles, because of the Bunsen burners."  
Goku nodded "That is really cool. You must think about it a lot."

Chichi grabbed the drawing, "You can't… You have no idea what you are talking about." She looked at them "I don't want you to talk about marrying that evil green dinosaur."  
"It is going to happen. Nothing you can say will change how I feel." Gohan said "It is my destiny to end up with Mr. Piccolo!"  
"But you are only nine years old… are you sure? You could change your mind," Goku asked. "That is what your mom is-  
"Dad. That's just the way things are. Little kids have to grow up and fall and love and get married and have kids." He said. Gohan was getting upset. "It is getting late. I can't draw all day like a baby. " He picked up his crayons and put them away in a color code he memorized and then arranged them by length "I have a bunch of work to do before I sleep. I am going to study my Particle Physics."  
"Gohan you forget, It is time for Calculus." Chichi said, she didn't like this attitude from her son. He was being quite stubborn.

"Oh really. It shows what you know." Gohan stared at Chichi as if he was trying to kill her with a single glare "I already read the assignment while playing my tuba. I'm not a baby anymore. I'm nine!" He neatly slammed the crayons into the crayon drawer " So there Mom."

"You listen to me Gohan. I am tired of you being so sassy." She said "Go to your room and reread your notes."  
"You are the meanest mom ever." He ran off bawling, angrily " And my notes are brilliant."

"Did he just rebel by reading another text book?" Goku was befuddled.

As she went to their bed Chichi was still wringing her hands and pacing. "He can't talk to his elders like that. You see there is something wrong with him. I've never seen him so disobedient."  
Goku hopped into bed under the covers in less then a second and she puttered about getting the room ready for sleep "Chichi, I think we should just relax. Gohan is a little boy. Living in a Magic Cave, isn't real." He said "He drew a picture of a laboratory where he is genetically engineering a unicorn."

"That is not the point. He should be respectful of his parents. And he can't be serious about marrying Mr. Piccolo."  
"When I was a kid I dreamt that I would a wishing well but inside was Root beer with a golden bucket that was full of a tater tot. All kinds of things. I had a pretty crazy imagination as a kid," He said, "It is only when we are grownups like us you realize that Vegetables will still taste like vegetables." He said, "And you just have to swallow them and cover them in cheese. Like life. Why rob him of his dreams?"

"His dreams? he said he wants to marry an alien monster."  
"But…" Goku tried to interject.  
"Its crazy. Piccolo is violent and killed so many people. And he's the worst possible choice. Who could marry a mean crazy alien like him?"

"But he's gone good. I think he might still change a lot. But…" Goku looked nervous. But Chichi was too worried about Gohan and his crazy schemes to marry a megalomaniacal tyrant, to notice her husband's confusion. If she stopped every time he didn't understand commonplace things, she would be old in her grave.  
"It is all that time on he lived on Namek. It has made him crazy. He has no sense of reality." Chichi explained.  
"He was only gone for a month." Goku said. "He's a good little boy. That will never change in a million years."  
"Look at that month." Chichi said "He probably has no concept of morality." She said "He's not even aware he's on Earth anymore." Chichi got onto the bed and straightened her covers. "We can go talk to Piccolo and see what he did to my little boy." She said, " I don't think Gohan should see him again until he comes to his senses. We'll go while Gohan is studying."  
"Piccolo lives out in the Lookout sometimes. You hate that part of town."  
"Well this is more important. I'll get the canteen. You can fly me on your back." Chichi said. Then with a kiss on the lips and a flick of the light, they prepared for the next day.


End file.
